Our bathroom vanity is fucking everything up

Seriously. But as a strong proponent of indoor plumbing, I’m not complaining. Much.

Our bathroom is itty bitty, though, at a whopping 5×7 feet. I know there are smaller bathrooms out there, but considering this is our one and only, we demand a lot of it. I’m an advocate of efficient and minimal living, but not to the point of insanity. We all have stuff, and while we can reduce the amount of stuff we hoard have, the stuff we decide to keep needs to live somewhere, otherwise it doesn’t matter how few items you own, your house will still look cluttered.

There are a few things I really love about this bathroom. Weeeeell, one thing. I absolutely love the floor. Which is an odd thing to say given the condition it’s in, but that’s ok. We’re gonna get it cleaned and sealed when we rip out our vanity. But check out the contrast with our new doors:

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Dat contrast.

A note about marble transitions: you can use a razor blade to scrape off built-on gunk and dirt and make it look like new. Be careful – marble is soft and fragile, so take care not to gouge or scratch the surface. Avoid harsh or acidic cleansers.

Fucking nice, right? I agree. But then you turn around and see this bullshit:

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Note the updated faucet. Not because we’re slowly upgrading, but because I literally broke the previous one. I was angry that we had to spend another dime on this shitty vanity before we replaced it.

The Vanity

This is the biggest problem with our tiny bathroom. This 18.5-inch wide builder special vanity which originally had the builder special faucet. Oh, Glacier Bay, you sly vixen. The previous owners (presumably) replaced the console sink that was original to the unit, and frankly, I’m not gonna hold that decision against them. Console sinks are cool, but fucking useless for storage, and in this case, it wasn’t much larger than the vanity they replaced it with, so no harm done.

On the other hand, the caulking that was done around our tub, vanity and surround looks like it was done by someone who had never heard the adage “less is more” when it comes to caulk, and was mid-seizure. The previous owners were elderly, so I’m not gonna judge too harshly here, but for fuck’s sake, at least make an effort to clean up the egregious globs of caulk. Anyway, nothing a simple re-caulk job and a razor blade can’t fix, so it’s ok. And the angles we’re talking about are fucking impossible, so I don’t much blame them for saying fuck it.

On to the next big issue: the opening for the sink is exactly 23″ wide. Because life is cruel. If you know anything about vanities, you know that the standard small vanity width is 24″. Below that, you’re stuck with a very limited selection of ultra small vanities that are either the builder special shown above, or cheap particle board crap.

10 Things that would make my vanity not suck

1. A marble top

I want to contrast with the tile, floor, and the marble transition. I want marble. Not granite. Not ceramic. Marble. This is a tall goddamned order for a 23″ base opening.

2. A big cabinet

I want a cabinet because storing the trash can inside the vanity saves a ton of space and allows us to open the door all the way. It’s the little things, y’know?

3. Also a drawer

Because drawers are the tits, and can be set up to store a shitload of toiletries.

4. Legs

I want legs, not a kick-plate. This is so that we can store the scale underneath and pull it out when we want to use it. Also, it will let us clean that space much more easily. Our current vanity has about 2″ on each side. Juuuust enough space to trap things like toothbrushes, razors, contact lens cases, and other small things, but not big enough to clean easily or extract those items without needing to grab a broom handle.

5. Some goddamned counter space

I want a 24″ wide goddamned sink top. COME HELL OR HIGH WATER, GOD DAMN IT. And I want it flush with the two walls, left and back. No more fucking gaps.

6. White

The vanity needs to be either white or gray, preferably white to make the space feel bigger. I stopped myself from making #5 “Girthier” because a) technically incorrect, and b) following it up with “white” makes this read like a racist must-have list for prospective sexual partners on a popular hookup app.

7. Square sink

I want a square under-mount sink. I think square is a much more efficient use of the space. Also, you can barely tell from the picture, but our current vanity has these weird grooves around the sink, making the minuscule “counter” space that much more useless.

8. Door swing

The cabinet door should have a handle on the left, not the right. The current cabinet door traps the shower curtain all the fucking time. This won’t be completely eliminated, but should significantly improve.

9. Solid construction 

I’m not looking for a $3,000 mahogany vanity here, folks, but I want something that’s gonna last and hold up well over time, especially in a bathroom environment.

10. Single-hole faucet

Every inch counts here, so having a single-hole faucet eliminates the need for a deck plate, which in my opinion makes the whole thing easier to clean AND frees up a few more precious inches of counter space.

It does exist! The myth, the legend, the vanity!

Ok, so now that we have the wish list, good luck trying to find something that will magically fit within a 23″ wide opening at the base (with wiggle room) and flare to a 24″ wide top. So I was looking at 20-21″ vanities without much luck. None of them had a marble top or an option for a marble top, and finding a sink top that would fit a 20/21″ base is a tall order without getting something custom fabricated, and while I’m a fancy lass, I’m not made of fucking money, especially when it comes to unfucking a tiny bathroom. Our goal it to avoid a costly renovation, not throwing money at it to get something that kind of fixes the problem.

But then, I found it. I fucking found it. The one. The holy fucking grail of bathroom vanities.

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Call me Ahab, ’cause this bitch is my white whale.

This thing literally has everything on my incredibly specific wish list. Fucking look at it. Do you understand? Do you even fucking know how amazing this is? The base is 21.5-inches wide, meaning it will totally fit in our space. It flares to 24″ at the top, so there will be a 1-inch overhang over the back edge of the tub, but the shower curtain can tuck right in there, and help prevent stuff dropping into the gap. But, even if we do drop stuff down there, it’s gonna be so much easier to reach down and grab it with the legs.

The drawer is under the cabinet, which I didn’t actually put on the wish list but quite like. There are no funky cut outs for plumbing, so that whole drawer is all storage, baby. We can probably even get rid of our creaky old medicine cabinet without losing much, but I’m still on the fence about that one.

This thing is solid oak construction. It’s a beast. It also looks like it belongs in the bathroom. It will contrast beautifully with the original floors, the transition plate and the new doors.

What’s all this about?

Have you ever stressed about how to get - and keep - your bathroom clean without spending hours scrubbing each week? Does the phrase "meal planning" make you fall into the fetal position while clutching a takeout menu? Do you think Pinterest is made up of insane sadistic people who have too much time and craft glue? Do you want to learn how to cook, but don't know where to start? Are you trying to lose weight, but find "guilt free brownies" a disgusting and sad waste of perfectly good chocolate?

I've spent years of my life, years figuring this shit out, and in an effort to earn fame and fabulous fortune, I'm giving you lots of tips and ideas and funny commentary out of the kindness and goodness of my heart. So y'all fucking come back now, hear?

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