5 Pantry Must NOT Haves

This is my anti-Pantry staples list, because Pantry Staples are incredibly personal and incredibly variable, the idea of a definitive pantry staples list is stupid. Let’s take a trip down memory lane and explore some of my more catastrophic Pantry decisions based on the advice of others:

1. Do not buy onions, potatoes, or garlic in bulk.

Are you planning on eating all of them in the next month? No? THEN WHY THE FUCK ARE YOU BUYING THEM? Yes, happily, these things will store for a decently long period of time in a cool dry place, but that does not mean they will store indefinitely. Don’t be like me. Don’t buy a fucking bamboo steamer to store your garlic and shallots just because Martha Stewart allegedly said it was a good idea.

2. Do not stock up on random canned goods that you don’t have a plan for.

I like black beans. I even used black beans frequently in my cooking for a while. Same with coconut milk. You wanna take a wild guess at the majority of my food donations? Yeah. Black beans and coconut milk. I had it in my head that because I used these things often in recipes, that buying A LOT OF THEM was a good idea. You know, just in case. In case of what? I have no idea. So now hungry people can eat some beans and coconut milk. I’m sure they’ll be thrilled.

3. The salt of the month club was fucking satire.

 

You don’t need five different kinds of salt. You just need regular granulated salt and coarse salt for margaritas. That’s it, kids. That’s the true extent of the salt variety you should have in your house. Sea salt? Pink himalayan salt? Fuck off. Get the iodine enriched salt like everyone else in America and avoid goiters. This is actually serious advice if you stop eating processed foods and don’t eat a lot of iodine-rich foods.

 

4. Get out of the “just in case” mindset.

Don’t buy boxed dinners “just in case.” Unless you actually plan to use the boxed dinner, spoiler alert: you will not use the boxed dinner. There are a lot of lists out there for “how to have a pantry that’s surprise guest proof!” You know what? When people are rude enough to show up at my house uninvited, I don’t encourage that kind of fuckery by rewarding them with food. YOU KNOW WHY Y’ALL HAVE A SURPRISE GUEST PROBLEM? It’s because you keep feeding them! They’re like cats! They don’t have to buy food anymore. They just show up at your house. God damn.

5. You are never going to eat that struggle can of beans.

For real. Unless it’s part of a planned meal, do not buy it. You aren’t saving up for a rainy day, the zombie apocalypse is not nigh (and if it is, you’ll just be prolonging the agony. Embrace it. Get weird. Eat your asshole neighbor).

You’re wasting your money buying food you don’t plan to eat.

You might be saying, “but sensei, if I don’t buy all of this shit I don’t know what to do with, what SHOULD I buy? I WILL STARVE AND IT WILL BE YOUR FAULT. YOUR FAULT!”

First of all, if you’re here, it’s pretty much implied in the URL of this site that you should be an adult. I’m not responsible for idiot adult behavior. I’m here to try and curb that shit with humor and cussing.

Second, I’m going to write a post about how to buy food. Because we are that basic around here. Also, can we talk about the excessive marmite collection in the picture? That shit is intense. This is stock photography, by the way, but it kinda proves my point.

What’s all this about?

Have you ever stressed about how to get - and keep - your bathroom clean without spending hours scrubbing each week? Does the phrase "meal planning" make you fall into the fetal position while clutching a takeout menu? Do you think Pinterest is made up of insane sadistic people who have too much time and craft glue? Do you want to learn how to cook, but don't know where to start? Are you trying to lose weight, but find "guilt free brownies" a disgusting and sad waste of perfectly good chocolate?

I've spent years of my life, years figuring this shit out, and in an effort to earn fame and fabulous fortune, I'm giving you lots of tips and ideas and funny commentary out of the kindness and goodness of my heart. So y'all fucking come back now, hear?

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